That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize