Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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