and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
