I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
