I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
