yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm passing your future prison.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
