upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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