I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I am available for nakedness
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
