well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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