I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
