Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Its about making memories worth repressing
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
