You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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