the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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