last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
