I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You can't just leave with hair like that
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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