Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
