I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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