I think I died a long time ago.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
