The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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