Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
