i think i have two assholes
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
