I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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