she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
