Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
