some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
