I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
