All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
