This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
