I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
