so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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