it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
