What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
