Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
