I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
