Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
