Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize