Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
