I want to make a zoo with you.
I smell stomach acid.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
