When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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