A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
