Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
