dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
