He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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