i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
