I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
