Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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