Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
