Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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