I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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