I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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