he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
