I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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