She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
