Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
