i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
