If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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