May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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