i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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