I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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