If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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