i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
